FMA Endless Guilt
by Mysteec
Summary: A one-shot about how Ed feels about what happened during the transmutation to bring back his mother; especially when things start going horribly wrong. And what Ed thought of his father as a kid and then when he was older. Rated T for mild language.


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_Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or anything associated with it! It belongs to it's respective authors/owners!_

**Endless Guilt**

_A one-shot about how Ed feels about what happened during the transmutation in an effort to bring back his mother; especially when things start going horribly wrong. Also it goes into what Ed thought about his father as a kid and as a teenager. Rated T for mild language._

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The darkness shouded his face as he sat on an outcropping, that looked over the vast grasslands. His brother Alphonse Elric was behind him asleep in the cave they had camped in for the night. Ed's golden eyes were half closed, thinking. Thinking of That Time again. He stared at his limb, his DEAD limb that shouldn't even BE on his body as well as his fake leg.

He hated it.

He wanted his limbs back. He wanted Al to be in his _NORMAL_ body again.

Was that too much to ask for?

No.

Edward felt that it wasn't.

He wasn't even asking to bring a dead person back to life like he had before. Like _they_ had before.

Everything had going perfectly according to plan but somehow, something went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Everything turned to darkness and the next thing that Ed realized was that his brother was being pulled into the Gate, calling out to him, begging for help. All the while, Al's body was being eaten away by the powers of the Gate, but at the same time, so was Ed's leg. He didn't feel it but when Ed saw that he no longer had a leg there, full blown panic ensued.

It was then he realized they might really die, right here, right now; where they would truly never see their mother again. He tried to reach out and grab Al's hand but it became a wasted effort; Al's body disappeared completely just as their fingers nearly touched. The force of his body evaporating to the other side was strong enough to where Ed felt **_HIS_** right being ripped away as well.

He screamed in agony. And is that what Al had felt before he disappeared? It seemed impossible; the pain from losing just his arm was almost more than he could stand.

_Al, I'm so sorry...Oh Kami, what have I done?? AL!!_

Ed's head snapped up and saw it; Al's spirit was still on this side of the Gate! Spotting the armor that were propped up against the wall, Ed realized that he still had a chance to at least save Al's soul. All he had to do was bind Al's soul into one of the armors and...

He collapsed and lay there for what seemed like hours. But that could not have been so. He would be dead for one and two; he was still concious and aware of the nightmare he was in.

The Gate was wide open, and hungry, wanting the other brat that somehow was managing to cling to life. Ed was able to see the other side though: A boy about his age was standing there seemingly a good distance from him. He couldn't see him very clearly but he could definately make out one thing: This kid was missing a right arm and left leg.

Just like he was.

The door began to shut on him as Ed dragged himself over to get a closer look at the other boy with the same missing limbs as himself. That's when Ed could've _sworn_ he saw the white light of transmutation surrond the other boy before the Gate closed on him.

Ed wasn't sure about what happened after that. He wasn't even sure how they got back into the real world. When he awoke, Al's soul was one of the armored suits, and Ed lay in his brother mechnical arms, bleeding heavily from his severed arm and leg.

That's when they heard sickening plop of something slimy hit the floor.

"Al, don't look..." Ed whispered, tryin not to look at the THING that now resided with them in their living room. "It's not her; that's not mom!"

"Then what...?"

"I don't even know!...All I know...Al...it's not even human!"

All Al could see was a white skelaton and the slimy ooze, which no doubt was blood. He heard it growl; the mass of bones or whatever kind of creature it was, was clearly alive. Al set his brother down to contend with this threat. He knew he had to make it quick; Ed was beginning to fade away from him. Quickly he sealed the beast within a cage made from the floor. It instantly moved and began banging itself against the cage letting out unnatural sounds of anger and frustration. Al knew it wouldn't hold for long, but he had to deal with his brother first.

It was raining on him when he was let in to Winry's house. Although he didn't want to leave his brother alone, Al knew he had to. He snuck out late that night when he heard the now familiar sounds of that horrible beast lurking in their tiny house. Al never liked to hurt others, or bully them, but if someone hurt his brother, come hell or high water, he would show no mercy.

But this time, he would have no choice but to kill. Either kill or be killed.

He chuckled bitterly as he braced himself.

When Al told him what happened the next day, Ed couldn't believe that his brother was the one who got rid of that monster. Again he felt guilty. He shoulda been the one who lost his body, he shoulda seen the warnings. He should've left the Gate of Transmutation as soon as he got Al into one of the armored suits. Instead he wanted to see the other boy on the other side of that Gate and only worried about HIS limbs, HIS life. Again not thinking at all about Al's needs or safety. It was always about him and what HE wanted.

No wonder Winry and Al thought he was a jerk sometimes.

He would not, no, he could not make another mistake like that again-**_ever_**. The Gate had damn near killed his brother, and took two of his limbs. The Philosphers Stone was needed so that they wouldn't have to go through that hell hole again.

Ed couldn't place Al in that kind of situation again. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let his own selfishness destroy them both.

Yes, that is what it been back then-pure selfishness. He knew he was crossing a line, he knew that his mind was listening to no one's reasoning but his own. He just wanted his mother back. He had been so damn blinded by grief, and sorrow from his mother's passing, that he didn't even pause for one second to think about Al's safety or whether him and Al would even live.

He didn't care whether or not he lived. He just wanted to see her smiling face again. To come home smelling bread or cookies and feel her warm embrace as she would hug them both. It was during this grieving period that Ed wished more than anything that he had his father's shoulder to cry on. To tell them that things would be alright.

Perhaps...if he had been there...we would've never lost my limbs and Al would still have his body. Not that...builky armor that it was now. He would've been there to tell us no; that doing transmutation to bring someone back to life was not only down-right idiotic; it was suicide.

But their father wasn't there when she was sick; he wasn't even there for their mother's funeral.

How could he leave her like that? How could he leave her to die like that, all alone, not knowing whether he was alive or not?

It made Ed sick with fury.

That bastard of a father had never once visited them since Ed was four. Not even a letter that was actually written by him.

Perhaps that was another reason they had torched the house. It was a way of clensing himself of the hatred Ed had with his father.

He had finally found some peace of mind. At least for a little while.

As Ed and Al grew older and became State Alchemists, Ed realized that he could now somewhat symphasize with how his father might not've had time for family. Hell, he was having a hard enough sticking around his girlfriend for more than a day or two at a time.

But until he found the Philosphers Stone, he and Al would not...no more like could not, live a normal life like everyone else.

Not until they got their bodies back.

He owed Al that much. Possibly a lot more.

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THE END!!

(A/N) HOW WAS THE READ? YEAH, YEAH I KNOW. IT'S A BIT DEPRESSING BUT I DON'T SEE A WHOLE LOT OF STORIES OF ED'S POV OF THIS MOMENT IN THE ANIME. I KNOW THEY show HIS POV IN THE ANIME BUT I MEAN I DON'T SEE MANY written STORIES ABOUT IT.

SO...YEAH.  
IF YOU WANT ME TO DO AL'S POV ON THIS JUST TELL ME. OR IF YOU WANT TO CONINUE IT, JUST ASK ME, BUT DO GIVE ME CREDIT FOR THIS SINCE IT WASN'T YOUR IDEA TO BEGIN WITH TO WRITE IT. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH.

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM IS WELCOME! FLAMES ARE NOT!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FMA OR ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH IT. IT BELONGS TO THE ORIGINAL AUTHORS/OWNERS!


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